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For many full moons, Dracuchilla had remained hidden away, in
the secluded
comfort of his homeland dust bath. Hidden from prying eyes,
tucked away in a
forgotten cupboard at the back of the lab where he had once
been imprisoned
by his arch enemy, Prof. Leo Von Braun, Dracuchilla had
been doing a lot of
thinking.
Life hadn’t been good recently. Hoarding all the raisins
in Whitby and
nibbling toes for a taste of blood hadn’t really led to
a happy and
meaningful life. Dracuchilla was feeling unfulfilled and
a little homesick.
He longed for the dusty corridors and large, ornate and
immensely chewable
pine fire-surrounds of his castle in Transchinvania. He
missed his favourite
wall-kick places, the taste of traditional Chinvanian wallpaper,
and his
best stick reserved for carrying around the room while doing
kangaroo
impressions. He was even starting to feel a little sorry
for his victims, a
very worrying state of affairs for any self-respecting demonic
fur-ball of
the night. After all, what’s the use of having permanently
growing fangs if
you feel guilty about using them?
That was enough! He had to do something to stop himself
turning into a total
softy. His mind was made up, Dracuchilla was going home.
Going home, however, wasn’t going to be quite as easy as
leaving had been.
During his time in hiding, Prof Von Braun had enlisted the
help of another
to aid in the search - a chinchilla famed throughout the
world for her
ability to hunt down and destroy even the most dangerous
and cunning of
vampiric rodents. Yes, Dracuchilla was going to have to
find a way of
getting home without falling into the clutches of Fluffy
the Vampire Slayer!
So, how to achieve this tricky task? A disguise was definitely
called for,
so Dracuchilla opted to swallow his pride and pay a visit
to the eccentic
Edwina Scissorhands, Fur Clipper and Poodle Pruner Extraordinaire!
He took
one last roll in his beloved dust and slipped out, under
cover of darkness,
across town to Edwina’s Fur Clipping Emporium. One hour
and a lot of
snipping and clipping later, Dracuchilla opened his eyes
and looked in the
mirror.
Oh! What a surprise. Even though vampires don't have a reflection,
he could
still tell that Edwina had excelled herself. Dracuchilla’s
fur coat had been
trimmed and shaped, and his tail neatly bound up onto his
back and almost
out of sight. As the smell of setting lotion began to fade,
Dracuchilla
admired his new appearance in the mirror. His body was covered
in ten large,
coarse rosettes he now looked for all the world like
an Abyssinian guinea
pig!
The following evening, as luck would have it, there was
a chartered flight
from Whitby to Bucharest with Air Cavy. All the champion
British guineas
were due to enter the Eastern European Guinea Pig Show (EEGPS),
and
Dracuchilla managed to slip aboard with the contestants
unnoticed. However,
Fluffy the Vampire Slayer had been only too aware of the
flight from Whitby
to the very doorstep of Transchinvania, and managed to sneak
into the
luggage hold while no one was looking. Ugh, she thought.
Several hours in a
cold luggage rack surrounded by guinea food and grooming
combs. How she
detested those silly guineas with their constant chattering
about the
weather and when someone was likely to open the refrigerator.
The plane arrived safely at Bucharest airport, and Dracuchilla
and the
guinea contestants disembarked down the ramp and went through
to immigration control. Once again the disguise worked and all
the guineas were waved
through to collect their luggage and board the coach, bound
for the EEGPS
hotel.
Dracuchilla chose his moment carefully to slip away from
all the squeaking
and chattering and headed into town on foot, looking for
a way of getting a
lift along the wooded valley and towards his castle in Transchinvania.
He
spotted a tourist horse-and-carriage about to set off for
the long, bumpy
ride, and hopped onto the rear parcel shelf.
Fluffy, late out of the airport due to the traditional delay
in getting the
luggage off the plane, chewed thoughtfully on her favourite
branch (Willow)
while pondering what to do. She knew Dracuchilla was around,
she’d seen a
trail of poops heading away from the airport, so she took
a chance and
sneaked aboard a luxury coach bound for Transchinvania,
hoping to reach the
castle before he did.
Dracuchilla’s long and bumpy journey was almost at an end.
His castle was
around the next bend, but as the carriage slowed to round
the corner, and
Dracuchilla took the opportunity to leap off, the luxury
coach caught up.
Fluffy was watching and bounced though the open window and
across the road.
The chase was on! Running and leaping, darting as quickly
as he could,
Dracuchilla headed for home. But with his tail strapped
up it was hard for
him to balance, and Fluffy was catching up. Only fifty metres
to go! The
castle was in sight, but Fluffy was right behind, swiping
at his back legs
with every bound, trying to trip him like a Cheetah trips
a gazelle.
Dracuchilla reached the door, but Fluffy was there at the
same time. They
turned and faced each other. Fluffy! So,
we meet at last. Dracuchilla bared his fangs and gave them a
long lick. Let’s see if you look so cute with
some holes in that fine fur of yours.
Fluffy took out her crossbow, loaded with a raisin-concentrate-tipped
dart,
guaranteed to render a chinchilla incontinent in five seconds.
You don’t
frighten me, you tail-tied, rosetted, pig-like thing. And
yuck! She
twitched her nose disapprovingly, what brand of fur setting
lotion do you
use?
Just as she was taking aim, and Dracuchilla was preparing
to pounce, there
was a rustle in the tree overhead, and out fell another
feisty looking
female chinchilla. Look, I don’t know who you
are said Fluffy,
but whatever it is you want you’ll just have to wait a minute
I’ve got a vampire to slay.
Really? said the stranger. And who do you think you are?
Fluffy the Vampire Slayer, said Fluffy the Vampire Slayer,
predictably.
But you can’t be. There can only be one Slayer, and
that’s me!
Oh, and who are you? said Fluffy.
I’m Buffnet the Vampire Slayer.
The two Slayer’s looked at each other in bewilderment, then
turned to look
at Dracuchilla but he was long gone...
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